Icha Icha Paradise: Living On A Prayer
by Kage-Kami-Sennin
Summary: Konoha's population is low following the 4th Shinobi War. Tsunade decides she needs to change this. This can't end well...or can it? Rated M for safety. No Yaoi or Yuri, ever, we don't need it and I won't write it. Unfortunately, I don't own Naruto.


**A/N: This story starts two years after the end of the Fourth Shinobi War, so the Konoha 12 are all 18-19-ish, and are all Jonin or ANBU. I do not plan to have lemons in this story at the moment but that may change if tons of people request it.**

"Normal talking or YELLING"

'thoughts'

_Sarcasm_

_**001**_

The Hokage's office was filled to the brim, all active shinobi were somehow stuffed into the room. Well, not every active shinobi...just every shinobi that had hit puberty and were not too old for certain actions. The only other exempt ones were those on missions crucial to village security. Tsunade surveyed the group with a great deal of anxiety. Finally, she stood up to make her announcement.

"I'm sure you're all wondering why all the non-vital missions have been canceled and many of you have been recalled from missions in the field. This is because every shinobi of the village gathered here, along with some currently _out_ are going to be participating in a SS-ranked mission for an indefinite time. Your mission is to pair up and quickly revive the Konoha's population. So get to it, there will be certain consequences if things aren't happening fast enough. Male population will meet here tomorrow and female population the day after tomorrow. Dismissed"

To say everyone gathered there was dumbstruck would be an understatement. Everyone was starting to have perverted thoughts now...Jiraiya and Kakashi were doing a happy dance in a corner. Anyway...the shinobi population filed out, obviously thinking about how to accomplish said mission. Anko licked her lips, making many of the male shinobi nervous. Afterwards, Jiraiya, Kakashi and Iruka stayed behind.

"So any of you notice who wasn't here?"

"You mean Naruto? Yeah..."

"Tsunade-hime, you seen Naruto lately?"

"No. Sneaky bastard always seems to disappear before vitally important missions. He said something about some self-appointed mission vital to village security."

"Typical. Alright, since Iruka was the only too ever find him as a kid, we're sending you after him. That is your new SS-rank mission Iruka, to find Naruto...and of course bring him back safely."

"Alright."

X Time Skip: 5 Days X

Iruka, following a lead from Jiraiya's spy network, was currently undercover near Otogakure no Sato, or where Oto used to be, Iruka aptly observed. All that was left of the village was a massive crater, and in the center was a glowing orange person wearing a flowing orange cloak. 'Definitely Naruto, but why is he in full Kyubi mode?' was Iruka's only thought. Iruka walked closer and found his answer; suspended in air by Naruto's hand was a very dead Orochimaru. To cement the fact, Naruto formed a Futon: Rasen-Shurikan and removed Orochimaru's head, which was then sealed into a scroll before the rest of Orochimaru was vaporized by a _small_ Bijudama.

"Oi, Naruto!"

"Iruka! What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you. Apparently only I was qualified to do this mission as only I could catch you in your youth."

"Ha-ha. So what new developments await me on our return to Konoha?"

Iruka paused, not really sure how to explain "Well you see, Hokage-sama wants all the shinobi to pair up, get married and have children on the way...as fast as possible. I almost don't want to go back to see how Konoha has reacted to not having two of its best looking guys around for a week after the mission was announced."

"Damn" was all Naruto could say as he pulled out a flask of sake and took a long drink.

"Don't drink so much or you'll experience your first hangover Naruto."

Naruto only laughed "I can't get drunk Iruka. My tenant ensures that. The most I can get is a small buzz."

This made Iruka laugh "Hokage-sama will not be pleased with knowing that. She changed the drinking age so that all official shinobi could drink...in hopes of things happening."

Images of a massively drunk Konohamaru trying to pick up girls popped into Naruto's head and he fell down laughing, losing his chakra cloak in the process before he sat up and pulled out a three-pronged kunai and twirled it through his fingers "Whatever. They'll have to catch me first."

X Time Skip: 2 Days X

It had been a couple days since Tsunade had forced all the shinobi to go around in nothing but bathing suits. Any not following this could be forced to by the others. Naturally, Naruto and Iruka were not aware of this new development. So it was a big shock when they arrived at the gates.

"Umm, Iruka...any idea what's going here?"

"No idea."

It was then that the shinobi fangirls for both of them showed up, along with some guys (Kakashi and Jiraiya included) who were intent on making sure everyone was going through aforementioned rules.

"Well well, look whose back."

It was then that Iruka ran, followed by his fangirls, led by a particularly hungry Anko.

"Damn it Iruka! Of all times to run out on me."

"Give up Naruto. You have to go see the Hokage to be briefed on the mission. Oh and it's time for your clothes to go."

"Iruka already briefed me. Now if you don't mind, I'm outta here."

"Oh please-" Kakashi started as a triple-pronged kunai whizzed by his face at such speed that it embedded itself in the cliff the Hokage Monument was on. Naruto started to run towards the group as they, in particular the girls ran towards him and attempted to grab him.

"See ya" was all the heard from Naruto as vanished instantly in a yellow flash. Kakashi and Jiraiya face-palmed as they realized what Naruto did. They looked over to the Hokage Monument and sure enough Naruto was there, placing a Hiraishin seal on the Yondaime's head.

"COWARD" became the collective sound from the group that Konoha heard. It brought most of the Konoha 12 and Tsunade down to investigate. Tsunade marched up to Jiraiya, obviously assuming him to be responsible.

"Alright explain what is going on here."

"Yes Jiraiya-san. Why is there most unyouthful yelling?"

Jiraiya and Kakashi looked at each other before talking "Well, Naruto's back..."

Tsunade threw up her arms "Finally, so where is he now?"

Kakashi pointed at the Naruto's fan club "Well apparently this is his fan club. He-it's easier to show you." Kakashi pulled out his own three-pronged kunai, showed it to Tsunade and pointed to the Hokage Monument. Tsunade hit her head in understanding before letting of a yell of her own "NARUTO YOU COWARD! GET BACK HERE OR I'LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER EAT RAMEN AGAIN!"

The words had the desired effect, much to the amazement of Naruto's peer group. They knew this was perfect blackmail material, along with how whichever girl ended up with Naruto would control him. Naruto reappeared in a yellow flash on Kakashi's hand before he jumped down "Don't do that, anything but that. Anyway, it just so happens I killed a powerful nuke-nin on my time away. I want to be exempt from your stupid clothing law. In return, you can see who it is. And have his or her head."

"I'll consider it. Good enough?"

"No" Naruto deadpanned.

"No ramen for you then...ever."

"Fine...I'll show you."

Naruto pulled out the scroll and unsealed it, depositing Orochimaru's head on the ground in front of Jiraiya and Tsunade, earning a collection of gasps from all assembled.

"Umm, Naruto...what did you do with Otogakure after you killed him?"

"Other way around, I had the bad luck of him surviving my Bijudama...it completely leveled Oto and killed everyone except him instantly. The resulting mushroom cloud was glorious..."

Everyone winced. Never before had Naruto talked favorably about death and now here he was brushing off his massacre of an entire village like nothing. And even worse, he found some sort of perverse delight in the artwork of the explosion.

"..."

"Anyway, me following your law depends on whether they can catch me and forcibly remove my clothes. And unless our shinobi are way faster than Iwa's, they won't catch me. I don't plan to play nice and not use jutsu to escape like some people I know." And with that, Naruto flashed away to his house, the only place he had tagged prior to leaving to kill Orochimaru. Tsunade clenched her teeth.

"Somehow I get the feeling that his house, or at least his bedroom, he will have dozen protection seals up by the time anyone gets there. You can all go now."

Jiraiya just smirked to himself as he walked away 'Well I'll just have to go take down his seals then, give him a nasty surprise.'

At his house, Naruto sneezed before going to check on his seals 'Why do I have a bad feeling about tonight?'

X Time Skip: Some Time That Night X

Naruto's fan club made their way into Naruto's house. They were led by Sakura and Ino (who, according to themselves, weren't really interested but wanted to see what was under Naruto's clothes as he had always worn that jumpsuit in the past that gave no indication of anything what so ever) along with Hinata (who really was interested but wouldn't readily admit it) and Tenten (who came just for the heck of it). They were about to reach Naruto's room when they hit an invisible barrier, stopping them from proceeding. A sharp pain went through all their heads as a flashback from Naruto assaulted them.

*Flashback no Jutsu*

Naruto stood on a hill overlooking Oto. He was already in Tailed Beast mode but had not materialized any parts of the Kyubi at this point.

"Part one: find Oto, check. Part two:-" he said as the full chakra Kyubi materialized and roared at the village, from which many villagers screams could be heard "Scare the living daylights out of them before I destroy them, check." He began to form a Bijudama and when he launched it, it was the size of a small house. It flew into the center of Oto and exploded with the force of several hundred thousand tons of dynamite, leveling the village instantly. Naruto just looked at the mushroom cloud, laughed and commented to himself on how Deidara was right, art really is a bang.

*Flashback no Jutsu: Kai*

When everyone stood up, it found with much surprise that Hinata, Ino and Tenten could walk through the barrier like it wasn't there while Sakura and the rest couldn't. The three girls walked into Naruto's bedroom and much to their surprise, he was sitting on his bead with a T-shirt and shorts on, as if expecting them.

"Expecting us Naruto?"

"Kind of. I expected Hinata, Tenten doesn't massively surprise me, Ino really shocks me. Sakura not getting through, to be expected."

"What happened there with the barrier and that memory?"

"Simple. It was a test of your heart."

"What now?"

"It was barrier that looks deep into someone's heart or mind for something specific that the user sets. You can't lie to it. It's quite nice. I set it so that it would test if you actually cared about me as a person as opposed to a superficial name thing etc. The memory was just another part I added to make it tougher. If could you could get through despite the knowledge I massacred an entire village in cold blood, all while smiling and enjoying myself. I think, if the memory wasn't there, I have no doubt Sakura would be with you here. But alas, that is not the case. So the better question now is...for what purpose did you invade my home?

**And that's a wrap for the first chapter. Review please.**


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